A Case of Misplaced Identity

  Moving to Arkansas rocked my world. Jonathan and I both felt God leading us here, and so I was rather at peace with the move itself. I was leaving a lot behind. I had 4 different part-time jobs (on top of my Full-Time Mothering) and an awesome group of friends.

  Once we moved into our house in Arkansas, I had expectations. I would keep the house clean, cook amazing meals, teach my children, spend time in God's Word daily, and meet up with new friends throughout the week. I was working harder than I had ever worked before, and nobody even noticed. If people appreciated me, why did they put their dirty clothes in the middle of the floor? If people knew how hard I was working, why wasn't I getting any fulfillment? I left behind several jobs in Texas where I was appreciated and recognized constantly. Now, I was just plain mad. Underpaid, disrespected, unloved.

  I took my frustrations to the Lord. How could I be feeling this empty when I followed God all the way to Arkansas?  I left everything that was home to me for this?  It was then that I realized the heavy weights I had placed on Jon. I was expecting him to give me unworldly appreciation, affection, and love. I was looking to him to meet all of my needs. And I was trying to figure out who I was without all of the titles I left behind.

  Somewhere along the way, I misplaced my identity. I defined myself by the hats I wore: Wife, Mom, Realtor, Party Coordinator, Math Tutor, etc. The problem with that definition is that those hats often change, resulting in a loss of identity. Being a believer, my identity should only be found in the One that is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I am a Daughter of God.

“Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God...” John 1:12

  Once that light bulb went off in my head, I offered my empty cup to God Himself. Jon should never have been expected to carry that heavy burden. And this was found in my Bible that day:

  I have had to remind myself constantly that I work for the Lord and no one else.  He sees my dedication, effort, and hard work (and lack thereof).  And He alone gives me Joy and Purpose.

My 30 Day Review

  I began my new career on April 4, 2011, a career that I longed for month after month. There simply is no job more important than that of a mother. I am happy to say that I am a full-time mom.

As with any change, the transition did not go as smoothly as I imagined. Jonathan and I were both sick my first week on the job. The boys spent much of that time watching Disney Jr. (a big deal for them b/c we don't have cable if we have to pay for it) while I counted down the seconds until naptime. Because they are not normally exposed to commercials period, much less on cable, they began to ask for everything they saw on tv! I think all I said that week was “No. No. No.”.

The second week Jon and I were both feeling better. We found a church, began to work out at our new gym, and started exploring our new little town, but things weren't going so smoothly during the day when it was just me and the little ones. They missed Ms. Sandra's class and their friends from church. They have experienced what it's like to feel lonely, and that makes me so sad.

It has been tough finding things for them do, and entertaining them is a Full-Time job with lots and lots of overtime required. It is exhausting. And having 2 three-year-olds is very loud (especially in a hotel)! It's hard for me to have phone conversations because I simply can't hear over the sweet music (or fighting) of Abraham and Alex.

I thought I was being fired from my new position on the playground. Both boys told me that I was not needed. I was asked to go away. I reminded Alex of my responsibilities, which included their Taxi service to and from the playground, and cooking dinner. Once he realized that he couldn't get home or eat dinner without me, he changed his mind. Poor thing sobbed right then and there saying he did in fact need my services. It gave me a sense of job security.

Looking back, I could have done a better job. I was more focused on the tangible things than the teachable moments. I wanted Jon to see what a great housewife I was, doing the laundry, cooking a great dinner with a limited kitchen, ironing his clothes. But I was missing out on those moments when Abe wanted me to read to him, and Alex wanted to cuddle. I have had to rebalance my priorities and use my time more wisely. I believe it is very important for me to be a great helpmate to my wonderful and hardworking husband in my new role. I believe it is in my job requirements to supply a healthy dinner, to make sure the laundry is done and that Jon's clothes are ironed. I just have to plan those duties into my day during naptime instead of them being the main events. The most important moments are not when I am doing housework, but when I get to laugh out loud with Abe and Alex.

I have to remind myself often that my children are like savings accounts. I'm having to work hard and invest a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, but I know that they are worth every bit of it. I know the relationship that I am building with those sweet boys will be my reward. I am still adjusting to my new role, and I'm having to learn that its important to allow myself room to grow and grace when I really blow it. I am so thankful that God's mercies are new every morning!